Dear Dad (Don, Jr.)
8/7/18, 4:26 p.m.
I hope all is well. I know we don’t get to spend a lot of time together since being an Authoritarian Fascist takes up most of your time, but, as requested, I am dating Kimberly Guilfoyle like you told me to in order to further blur the lines between independent journalism and the First Amendment, but I need to talk to you.
This Trump Tower Russia meeting thing, I’m ######. I lied dad. I lied to the Senate Intelligence Committee. I said I never called you and I’m pretty sure Mueller subpoenaed my phone records and saw I called you at the penthouse.
I don’t want to go to jail dad. I know you told Manafort he would receive a pardon, don’t know why you didn’t offer that Cohen, but anyway, I don’t know if you can pardon me.
And I spoke to Rudy, and to be honest, he reminds me of that crazy cousin of ours I once met, the one always talking gibberish that makes no sense. Are you sure he is a lawyer? Can’t we find someone from Trump University to represent me?
Anyway, stop tweeting about the Trump Tower meeting. It’s not helping me at all. I’m screwed more than you. It’s not like I’ve ever had a job and I know how to earn a living. Well, I’m good with social media and spreading lies, but other than that. Oh, and I’m also a good hunter. I mean seriously, haven’t you noticed that I cut the tails off animals and shoot them and I’m never dirty? That takes special talents. Okay, maybe I didn’t actually do those things, but the people on Instagram think I did and that’s all that matters.
And what’s up with Ivanka? Not the enemy of the people? What is she watching CNN or something? I told you we couldn’t trust Jared.
I gotta go dad. Please stop with the tweets, oh, and don’t talk to Mueller. He’s smarter than us.
Alexander Hernandez, Esq.